So, last weekend, my bf called me when we were both drunk, and he ended the call by saying, 'Kay, see you soon, I love you babe' and I said it back because it caught me off guard, and I was drunk so I wasn't exactly censoring myself. Anyway, Sunday night we were hanging out at his place and he said something about how he gets really 'touchy-feely and love-y' when he's drunk and I was like, 'yeah, I noticed haha' and was like, 'Oh, so you do remember that then, eh?' and I said yeah but it didn't matter because we were both too drunk to realize what we were doing or saying at the time. Anyway, I thought things were fine between us but he's been acting strange around me all week, like he doesn't know what to say around me anymore or something, it's really weird, and I don't know if it's because of that, or because of something else, but I just want things to go back to the way they were before.
/end rant.

one.

Don’t be afraid of death, but be afraid of the unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.

two.

I am still determined to be cheerful and happy, in whatever situation I may be, for I have also learned from experience that the greater part of our happiness or misery depends upon our dispositions, not our circumstances.

three.

Right now, at this very moment, all I want to do is sit across from you and talk about life. And when we run out of topics, we could just hold hands because that would be enough. But you’re not here and we can’t talk face to face because miles separate us. Well, I can smell these flowers you sent, or look at pictures from before, but I can’t wrap my arms around a moment in time. So, I sit and think about what we will do when I finally see you again. All I really want to do is enjoy each other’s company and maybe watch a movie or two about falling in love and growing old together. And maybe you and I could fall in love and grow old together, too.

four.

He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him and don’t expect more than he can give. Don’t analyse. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy who is perfect for you.

five.

You know what the best feeling in the world is? The feeling that nothing can touch you. The feeling that you are going to be okay forever and for always. The feeling that everything is going to stay just how it is; the feeling of being overly and excessively happy. The times when you’re gasping for air from laughing, or nearly in pain from smiling so much. When you’re with your friends and you know this is how it’s supposed to be. I love those times, and I love that feeling. I want to bottle it up and have it always, because I think that’s what life is about. Forgetting the bad and getting lost in the good.

six.

You can’t love anyone that way more than once in a lifetime. It’s too hard, and it hurts too much when it ends. The first boy is always the hardest to get over. That’s just the way the world works.

seven.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that you are there, in everything I am, in everything I’ve ever done, and looking back, I know that I should have told you how much you’ve always meant to me.

eight.

You know what hurts the most? The seconds in the morning when you’ve just woken up, and for those mere precious seconds, you’ve forgotten the reasons you’re unhappy, the reasons you’re so broken. And then it hits you again, like a stab to the heart, and you remember all the reasons you didn’t want to wake up. Yeah, that hurts.

nine.

I don’t need you, and I know that for a fact. But, I’m still going to think twice when I reply to your text messages, and I’m still going to fix myself up when I know I’m going somewhere you’re going to be. I still want you to realize what you lost. I want you to want me. I want you to feel how I felt.

ten.

You want the truth? Well, here it is. Eventually, you forget it all. First, you forget everything you learned – the dates of wars and the Pythagorean Theorem. You especially forget the things you didn’t really learn, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your favourite teachers, and eventually, you forget those, too. You forget your junior year class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend’s home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. And eventually, but slowly, you forget your humiliations. Even the ones that seemed indelible, just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not; who was pretty, smart, athletic, and not; who went to the best college; who threw the best parties; who had the most friends. You forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved, and the ones you actually did. They’re the last ones to go, and then once you’ve forgotten enough, you love someone else.

eleven.

The secret is I trust people much too easily. When someone asks for my attention, I more than happily plunge into their gaze, smile too much and listen too much. I create a false image of someone else on my own, believe their sincerity with my whole heart. Therefore, I am my own downfall, and there is not one person to blame but myself.

twelve.

You do not need to be loved, not at the cost of yourself. The single relationship that is truly central and crucial in a life is the relationship to the self. Of all the people you know in a lifetime, you are the only one you will never lose.

thirteen.

I had jumped off the edge, and then, at the very last moment, something reached out and caught me in midair. That something is what I define as love. It is the one thing that can stop a man from falling, powerful enough to negate the laws of gravity.

fourteen.

We push ourselves so we can have a better tomorrow. Why can’t we push to have a better today? We work hard so that we will appreciate life in the future. Why can’t we appreciate what we have right now, today? We worry about dying and forever being forgotten. Why can’t we focus on living in the present and being remembered in the heart of a single individual by making a difference in their life today?

fifteen.

I’ve never fooled anyone. I’ve let people fool themselves. They didn’t bother to find out who and what I was. Instead, they would invent a character for me. I wouldn’t argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn’t.

sixteen.

I’ve learned this past year. I’ve changed, I’ve grown. Maybe things do happen for a reason, maybe they don’t. But no matter what, they still happen. That’s what we need to remember. I learned to stop analyzing things, to just let them happen. And if I get hurt, or if something bad happens, then it happens. There’s nothing I can do to change that. I’ve learned to go with my gut, and that it’s okay to make mistakes because the ones that matter won’t care. I’ve learned that love really is as great as they say it is. I’ve learned that your friends can save you from your own worst enemy, yourself. And most importantly, I’ve learned that today is all we have.

seventeen.

There were so many of us that would have to live with things done and things undone that day. Things that did not go right, things that seemed okay at the time because we could not see the future. If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can’t know better until knowing better is useless.

eighteen.

There’s a point in your life when you know who stays forever and who’s just around for a little while. People change, but so do you. Sometimes for the best, but sometimes, for the worst. Bad things happen to everyone. You are not alone in this. People lie and some people just don’t care how you feel. Your heart beats no matter how much pain you’re in. Everything will be okay eventually. There are always people in your life that just make your day no matter the miles. I know all about distance – I’ve been dealing with it all my life. So don’t tell me it’s easy, because it’s not. But it is worth it. I’d rather stay in touch with the people I love than just drop it and forget about it. You don’t forget about the ones you love. It doesn’t work like that. Give it all you’ve got and live your life to the fullest. People would kill to be you, to have what you have. Someone always has it worse off than you, but that doesn’t mean that your pain doesn’t count.

nineteen.

The harsh reality of life is that you are going to get hurt. You are going to cry over a silly boy and your heart is going to be broken. But you have to pull yourself together so people don’t see how vulnerable you are because once people see vulnerability, they take advantage of you. And the whole process starts all over again.

twenty.

Everything is more complicated than you think. You only see a tenth of what’s true. There are a million little strings attached to every choice you make; you can destroy your life every time you choose. But maybe you won’t know for twenty years. And you may never trace it back to its source.    

So, quick update on life: I have been dating J for a couple months now, and recently things have moved into kind of strange territory. He came over Monday night, we hooked up, and he left about an hour later. Now, if one of my friends were to tell me this, I would tell them right away that they were being a booty call. But since he's my boyfriend, I don't know how to feel about it. That night, I was pissed because booty calls and relationships are NOT synonymous in my books. And to top it all off, he hasn't talked to me for the rest of the week. I don't want to overthink that though, because we've both had exams to study for and I know he had an exam today and yesterday so he's been understandably busy. I just don't want him thinking that what happened Monday night will be a regular occurrence if he wants to be in a real relationship with me. We'll see what happens, I guess, I'm not going to rush to any conclusions or make any rash decisions, but I do think I'll talk to him about it just so he knows that it makes me feel kind of used.

On another note, C started talking to me again this week. I haven't had a real conversation with him in over a year, before our on-again-off-again relationsihp ended for the last time. Only trouble is he's acting like nothing has changed and I don't want to be pulled back in by his charm because I refuse to give him the chance to break me again.

Hope you are all well lovelies <3

un.

You were always half crazy, now look at you, baby. Make about as much sense as a nursery rhyme. Love is a piano dropped out of a four story window, and you were in the wrong place at the wrong time.

deux.

In you and in all of us, there is nothing more than the capacity to be a force for, or a force against. And to wonder, how many people wake up each morning and can't decide if they want to save the world, or destroy it.

trois.

Home is not a place; it's a group of people.

quatre.

I pushed you away because I knew that if you stayed, I could never turn you down. You are the most beautiful and the most terrible thing that has ever happened to me, and you will always have me.

cinq.

It's the rule of life that everything you have ever wanted comes the very second you stop looking for it.

six.

You will lose someone that you can't live without and your heart will be badly broken and the bad news is that you will never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn't seal back up, and you come through. It's like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly - that still hurts when the weather gets cold - but you learn to dance with the limp.

sept.

You had me. For the millionth time, you had me. I know I said I would never come back and I know I said I would never do this again. But here I am, lying in your bed, and I can't remember a single thing I've ever said.

huit.

I can't wait to see you. I want to see if you still have that look in your eyes, that one you had for me before we said our goodbyes.

neuf.

On a really dark night, you can see between 1000 and 1500 stars, and there are millions more that haven't been discovered. It's so easy to think that the world revolves around you, but all you have to do is stare up at the sky to realize that isn't the way at all.

dix.

Even after every bad thing he'd done to me, every lie he'd ever told, every other girl he'd kissed, I knew somewhere deep down, he really did love me, in his own messed up way. Because you can't keep coming back to the same person time after time if those feelings aren't there.

onze.

Life doesn't come with a handbook or a roadmap; you have to figure out the rules, rights and responsibilities. You have to remember which routes are right and which are wrong. But most importantly, you don't always have to know where you're going, but you should always remmeber where you've come from.

deuze.

I used to be such a burning example. I used to be so original. I used to care that I was being cared for. Made sure that I showed it to those that I loved. I used to pray like God was listening. I used to make my parents proud. I was the glue that kept my friends together. Now they don't talk and we don't go out. I used to know the name of every person I'd ever kissed. Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

treize.

Some nights, alone, he thinks of her. And some nights, alone, she thinks of him. Some nights, these thoughts, separated by miles and time zones, occur at the same objective moment, and they are connected without ever knowing it.

quatorze.

I should hate him for the ways he's treated me. Except that I don't. I wish that I did. I wish that I could. Maybe that's what real love is: not hating someone when you have every reason to.

quinze.

No matter how low you consider yourself, there's always someone lower looking up at you wishing they could be that high.